The Windsor Soap Opera

This week's royal news is like an eighty's soap opera. Philip sticks up for Sophie and Edward saying William overreacted. Charles explodes and now there is an out and out war between Buckingham Palace (Philip's camp) and St. James Palace (Charles' camp). It's like the Carringtons or the Ewings, selfish, self indulgent, self-serving and power hungry. All of the characters have deep dark secrets that are revealed no matter how well they thought they had them hidden. And of course, the good of the family never out weighs the good of self. Well if this is the cliffhanger of the royal season, then let me play the role of Aaron Spelling this week and write the season premiere episode.

Of course we will open with the traditional five-minute collage of last season's scenes. Philip sharing his thoughts about why Charles would never make a good king, Sophie being duped by the fake sheik, Philip rushing to her defense, the people asking for restrictions on working royals, Philip defending his youngest son and his wife by overriding their recommendations, the Queen at St. Paul's Cathedral for a service honoring the victims of the September 11th tragedy, Charles and William visiting Sighthill, Edward's corporation filming Prince William at St. Andrews after other members of the press had respectfully left and of course Christine Carter the woman who worked with Edward filming the documentary 'Edward on Edward' sharing the letter he'd written her about his royal status greatly enhancing any project. Now that we are all caught up, let the new episode begin…

We open with Philip staunchly defending his youngest son and the right of he and his wife to continue to earn a living in the public sector. He is offering his defense to his wife, the Queen, as he petitions her for an increased allowance for his favorite family members. In the next scene we have the News of the World who have found the disgruntled spouse of a palace employee. They take her out for a few gin and tonics and she starts talking about how disgusted she is with the entire royal family. She says the things her husband has revealed to her about what goes on inside of Buckingham Palace would straighten your hair. She says she knows that Edward is gay and that the marriage is a sham - and there's a lot more reason that Sophie stays at Buckingham Palace during the week whilst her husband is at Bagshot Park, their Surrey home. The reporter orders another round and hits the speed dial on his mobile phone in his right blazer pocket.

Cut to Charles who has just finished pouring his heart and soul out to Camilla. She's lying on the divan at Highgrove, smoking the cigarettes that we'd believed she'd given up cold turkey, and assuring him his father is a wretched man who will rue the day he took up sides against the future King of England. Then we cut to the newsroom at the News of the World headquarters. The editor recognizes the caller i.d. and picks up his phone. He hears pub sounds and isn't quite sure what's going on. He's about to hang up when he hears, "I'm sick when I think about that Sophie and what she's doing right under the Queen's nose!" He calls for his assistant, as he knows a huge story is about to break. Meanwhile, the woman excuses herself and heads for the loo. The reporter picks the telephone out of his pocket saying, "Did you hear that? I think I'm onto something HUGE. Send me a cameraman ASAP. I'm at…" (Fifteen minute commercial break)

Now we are privy to a meeting regarding the role of members of the Queens immediate family attended by Edward, Sophie and Philip in which they take turns brow beating the courtiers. The courtiers explain that the taxpayers are demanding royals to be patrons or private citizens - not both. Philip insists that his plan is what will bring the monarchy into the 21st century. The courtiers bring in opinion poll results, psychological studies and concrete plans. Philip sticks to his guns confident that the louder and more emphatically he states his beliefs, the clearer his ideas will become to the dolts on the other side of the table.

We cut back to Charles and Camilla. This time Charles is fretting over his father taking the part of his younger brother and his dreadful wife over him. He says that he is ready to chuck it all in, to give up his right to the throne and live happily ever after with her at Highgrove. Camilla is clearly shocked by this revelation and tries to gently soothe the heir. "Darling, you know how deserving you are of the role of sovereign. You've been preparing for it all of your life. There is nobody on earth more uniquely suited for this role than you are. Plus how can we be the King and his mistress like your great-great grandfather (Edward VII) and my great-grandmother (Alice Keppel) if you don't take the throne? Darling, you know we have most of the jewelry and when you are King who would deny you the right to buy my great-grandmothers villa? It will be the way we dreamed it would be on the day we met - or that night anyway. Oh darling, you are the King to me, but you deserve to take your place before the world!"

Now back to our pub where the reporter has managed to get the tipsy woman into a booth where a mini camera has been mounted. Though it's quite obvious to us that the woman is being entrapped, she is oblivious to the entire process and continues her saga. "Of course Philip sticks up for her. She was brought in to keep him in the Palace nights. People were getting sick of hearing about all his reported affairs. The confounded man's eighty now! It worked out great for Edward too - since she's come along the press have laid off the gay bit haven't they? Why so shocked? Sophie's business partner, Murray Harkin, revealed it all during the News of the World sting. He trespassed lightly on the subject of their relationship - something about not being what he seemed… and regarding the rumors of Edward's sexual orientation he claimed where there's smoke there's fire - something like that. From where I sit he couldn't of been clearer about the whole affair."

The series music and credits roll and our audience is left with dropped jaws. We all know what they'll be discussing around the water cooler tomorrow!

Enough intrigue for a nighttime soap opera? Would you be shocked if anything this bizarre turned out to be the truth? What do you think is really going on? Write and share your thoughts. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you.

All the best,