Tuesday 28 December 2004

New Year's Resolutions & Suggestions

Many of us make New Year’s resolutions. Our intention is usually to correct some problem or to continue on an existing, positive course. Royals are not perfect, and I think a few of them could do well with changing their behavior. Others, however, need change very little; and those things which qualify are exceedingly minor, frivolous or superficial.

I’m only a lowly columnist, but if I had the opportunity to speak to certain royals, there are a few resolutions which I’d suggest. Some are serious, some are a bit catty (but nonetheless warranted), and some are based out of the deepest of affection. So, in no particular order, this is what I would say:

MONACO

Princess Stephanie
Stay away from married men. Especially married men who work for your father.

If you can’t control yourself, at least get over your “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” Syndrome before you give your father a heart attack. Two circus performers? Almost every bodyguard in Monaco? A butler? A valet? And now a croupier?

Please, please, please, do not get married again. At least, not for many years until you are sure it’s not out of some endless, prepubescent rebellion. You have become an object of ridicule in Europe, even though there is a sweeter side to you which doesn’t deserve such scorn.

BRITAIN

The Queen
You have undertaken so many duties, state visits and ceremonies over the past year that it almost makes my head spin. I wish you would take things at a more sedate pace, so that you may reign as long as possible. I know that duty comes before all else for you, but please consider your health. Your subjects are deeply devoted to you and want you as their Queen for as long as possible.

On a less pleasant note, I hope you will undertake William's education in the ways which have been reported. I think he can only benefit from your guidance.

By the way, I don't suppose we could ever have a Letters of Patent issued which would legally and explicitly clarify Lady (Princess) Louise's status? I realize her parents want to give her a normal life but she's technically a princess, even if you've informally decided otherwise. Personally, I think she's entitled to that position as she is a male-line granddaughter of yours, and it seems only fair given that Prince Andrew's daughters are styled as princesses. Be that as it may, if "Lady Louise" is going to be styled as such, why not issue a formal Letters of Patent to settle the issue once and for all?

Prince Charles
We are all entitled to happiness in this lifetime and you have shown your devotion to Camilla beyond measure. It’s been years since Diana died and you have every right to be with the woman you love. But why don’t you marry her? If the stories are true and you have given her a multi-million pound trust fund for her future, you’re not helping her reputation. Marry her. And make her earn some of what she’s gotten so easily.

On another note, you need to intervene with your son, Harry. How much longer do we have to read stories about his drinking binges before you realize there is a serious problem? On your recent trip to Italy, you said that you think that children should be given watered down wine from childhood, so maybe you fail to see the seriousness of Harry’s problem. Or perhaps you dislike confrontations. It doesn’t matter; your son is in obvious need of help and you have to step in.

Carting him off to Sandhurst is not going to solve the problem. It’s merely going to hide Harry away. Haven’t you read about the way the cadets drink there? Do you really think someone --- like Harry, who has exhibited all manifestations of a serious problem --- won’t be able to dig up some alcohol when he’s there? Do you really think he’ll stop drinking just because he’s at Sandhurst? As one who has known Sandhurst graduates, let me tell you that they party hard when they can. Do something now, before it’s too late.

Prince Andrew
You do an enormous amount of travel on behalf of British industry but much of that is obscured by your extravagances regarding your mode of transportation. Do you really need to take a helicopter to go visit some place where you stay just for an hour, only to then take off and play golf for the rest of the day?

On another note, I’d like to ask you something I’ve wondered about for a while now: why are you rarely – if ever – photographed with your daughters? It can’t be because they are always in school because I read of Princess Beatrice being out and about. It can’t be because of Fergie’s need to promote sales of her latest endeavor, because she’s not always shown with them.  Why are you never photographed with them except for Christmas Day at Sandringham?

Fergie
I know you’re technically not a “royal,” but since I brought you up…

It’s taken you years to rehabilitate your reputation and you finally seemed to have mended bridges with the Royal Family. What on earth would possess you to even think about going on a reality show? You may have decided against it in the end but it didn’t help your reputation in the interim. And I’m horrified you would even consider taking your clothes off for a charity photo shoot. Modesty and minimal exposure won’t save you from the scorn you fought so hard to avoid. You’re not Stephanie of Monaco. And you’ve gone through so much to win respectability. What possessed you???

Please make it your New Year’s resolution not to appear in any media setting involving nudity (partial or full), television embarrassments, or media commentary of any kind. It won’t help you with the Royal Family who has only recently begun to overlook the past, especially as Prince Philip still seems to dislike you.  So, for heaven’s sake, don’t add tinder to the fire. And keep your clothes on. While I’m at it, you would do well to go easy with the Botox and plastic surgery because you’re ruining your natural beauty.

Prince William
I hope you go to the Cenotaph next year and for every year henceforth. I listened to your interview and unlike your many teenage fans, I wasn’t impressed. You talk smoothly and well, but when it comes down to it, you shy away from royal duties and you want to be left alone by the press. A most unrealistic expectation. You don’t want to be “molly-coddled” when it comes to war, but when it comes to the press, you want to be cocooned tighter than a butterfly’s larvae.

You also struck me as a boy who didn’t know what he wanted or what he was interested in. You talked constantly and repeatedly about discovering what you cared about. Surely at the age of 22 you have some passions or interests in life? Beyond surfing or polo, that is…. You want to be indulged while you “find” yourself, but don’t you realize you’re your privileged position comes with some obligations in life? Your brother seems to know which charities and things he cares about and he’s younger than you. Speaking of which, the worst part of your interview was that you seemed jealous of your younger brother. You insisted his work in Africa resulted from ideas which were yours. You laughed as you said it but I think you really meant it and your jealousy showed.

I would have much more sympathy for you if you hadn’t missed the Cenotaph last year, only to show up a few days later at a red carpet movie premiere. I forget, what were you doing last year that was so important as to miss the national remembrance in honour of the war dead? In a year where the country – the country of which you will be King one day – was at war? Was it a polo match? It certainly wasn’t exams.

Whatever it was, you now claim to have been awed by the Cenotaph experience but you also noted in your interview with the BBC that your father has hinted to you that you need to take a more active role, and that you’ve rejected his advice. When your grandmother was your age, she had duties a thousand times more intrusive and burdensome than you. When your father was made Prince of Wales, he was a responsible, serious, conscientious, dutiful prince. He would never (ever) have missed a Cenotaph.

You don’t want to mollycoddled when it comes to something you’re allegedly interested in (the army), but you want to shielded from all obligations, duties, and realities in things that you don’t care for. That goes beyond the press; it includes royal duties. You want years of being footloose and fancy free. You’re 22 and you want the best of everything, without paying any price at all. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

Some people think you’re just a boy and you have time. Others think that your father’s position as second in line gives you endless leeway and time to fiddle around. They’re right in some respects. But you have shown not only a selfish indulgence in your general attitude but also a petulant reluctance to do even the bare minimum – e.g., the Cenotaph – until it was forcibly required of you. Plus, you yourself have said that you won’t follow any of your father’s hints regarding your duties and obligations.

Being a king is about more than birthright. A real king is made not only through respect for the Crown but also for the person who wears it. You have time still, but you have become old enough for reputations to be made. At your age, your Grandmother and Father were made of sterner stuff and showed more consideration for their future role. When are you going to follow their example?

Prince Harry
Go. To. Rehab.

You have a serious problem. It’s gone beyond the initial signs of alcoholism. I realize that your mother’s loss was devastating beyond belief, but you have absolutely no coping skills beyond resorting to the bottle. Or something else. The need for love won’t be filled by either.

And it won’t be filled by some blonde bimbo who encourages you to wildness. That is not a sign of love. It’s a sign of immaturity. It’s also proof that she doesn’t really care about you or whether your reputation gets destroyed.

Your girlfriend has the verbal runs, as do many members of her family.  She may not be a gold-digger, but she’s after attention and fame. And it will come at your expense. Ask your Uncle Andrew about Koo Stark. At the very least, she did not speak to the press, let alone News of the World.  If you doubt me, think about your brother’s old girlfriend, Kate Middleton, and how she said nothing about him to the press.  Open your eyes, man, and dump this girl.

Princess Michael
There are so many things to suggest, it’s hard to know where to begin. I realize you think you’re not “Pushy” in the least, but perhaps you can work on being even more… err… subdued (ahem) than you already are.

GREECE

Marie-Chantal, Crown Princess Pavlos of Greece
Make it your resolution to spare your future children any more pretentious, double-barreled names.  Maria-Olympia; Konstantin-Alexios; Achileas Andrea; and now, Odysseas Kimon. I realize Pavlos wants to reassert his Greek roots but this is really getting ridiculous. Have you no thought of how your children will be mocked and teased by other children when they’re at school?

By the way, when are you going to keep your promise to learn Greek? It’s been more than 10 years and you can only say a few basic sentences in the language. If your husband is so intent on proving his love of Greece, it would help if you bothered a little. Your mother in law, Queen Anne-Marie, learned Greek, just as Queen Sofia learned Spanish and Crown Princess Mary is learning Danish.

I realize Greek is not the easiest language, and that you never finished university, but as the examples above demonstrate, people usually make the effort to learn their husband’s language and culture. If – as Pavlos claims – your children will be raised as Greeks, surely it would help if their mother spoke the language….  Perhaps you could squeeze in a few lessons in between the various fashion shows you attend, the ones you once said you would no longer bother with….  Or was that another one of your empty promises?

JAPAN

The entire Imperial Family
I’m too much at a loss for words over the events of this past year to say much, but please make it your New Year’s resolutions not to use your birthdays to attack each other.

GERMANY

Prince Ernst-August of Hanover
Being a Prince does not entitle you to act like a boorish lout.  Heaven only knows what Caroline sees in you, but your behavior is a disgrace.  Make it your New Year’s resolution to behave in a manner appropriate to your position. That includes not drinking so much that you miss a royal wedding, making mock Nazi salutes and urinating in public. And throw away the bronze knuckledusters which you used to pulverize that man. I’d suggest rehab for you too but you’re such a hopeless case (and so arrogant) that you’d probably beat me up as well.

DENMARK

Prince Joachim
If you have to have a new girlfriend immediately (or perhaps not so immediately….) after your separation from Princess Alexandra, can you at least be a little more discreet?

More to the point, you’re not Mario Andretti in a F-1 Grand Prix race, so make it your New Year’s resolution not to drive like him when you have your two little sons in the car with you. I don’t care if the paparazzi were after you. There is no excuse when you are risking the lives of your children. Is it really worth a potentially fatal accident just to avoid having your picture taken? Or was it more about not having your picture taken with your new girlfriend? Either way, your premature mid-life crisis doesn’t justify risking your sons’ lives.

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To my readers: I wish you all a very happy New Year. I hope 2005 bring you much happiness, love, success, good health, and laughter. Thank you for reading and for sharing your comments with me. Whether you’ve agreed with me or not, I’ve greatly appreciated the fact that you’ve taken the time to write. I look forward to getting to know more of you in the upcoming year. On that note, see you in 2005…

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